Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
