Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
