drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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