Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
