3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize