she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
