somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
