i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
