if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
