go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
