im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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