i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
