I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
