giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
