How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
