I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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