everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize