I accidentally burped into my bong.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
