I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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