Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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