You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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