So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize