I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
