There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I look better un-naked...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
