I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
