I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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