Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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