I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
