Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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