Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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