BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk is a universal language darling
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
