What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my shit smells like andre
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
