dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
