Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
