i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
