I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
