It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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