The maid of honor just puked.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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