When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
