Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
