I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize