I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
