Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize