bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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