Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
