your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
