its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
