I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
