I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
