ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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