so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
