I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
