Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
