I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
