i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
