I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
