sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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