someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize