He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
