He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
