Got a toothbrush?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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