So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
