Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
