My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
