fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
