Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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