and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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