if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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