She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
a search helicopter?!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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