we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
