someone threw a dead crab at me
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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